Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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