Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You took a bar mat shot.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
