Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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