on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Someone came in the potted fern
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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