Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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