it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
