i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
