Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
