well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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