I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
