I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
