Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
