He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I will pee on everything he values.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
