I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
