he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize