He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
We're not piercing ourselves today.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
