I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
