Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm getting married
To pizza
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
