I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
