You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
