i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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