I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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