why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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