your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
