so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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