so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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