i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
