Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
