Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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