I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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