Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
