I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Randomize
