Don't make out with my wife yet
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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