Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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