So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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