Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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