he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
