Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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