Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
