Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
