Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
