I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
