I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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