I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
