She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
