If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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