The maid of honor just puked.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
