There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize