Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
