I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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