i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize