you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
