Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Alive.
So much puke
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
