guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize