oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
