Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
