How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
