I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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