my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
