I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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